I should have been a pair of ragged claws

When cancer lifts its foot off my neck and I have a chance to catch my breath, I wrestle with: "what am I supposed to do now?" Before my diagnosis, my life was defined by the career goals that I set for myself. For 15 years I worked to become a game designer. For 4 years I worked to become the best teacher I could. When cancer hit and I had to quit my job, I saw for the first time a giant invisible highway of people walking and running together toward "work." I feel like cancer ripped me from this infinite caravan and put me on a narrow, perpendicular dusty road by myself.  I didn't realize how much this shared concept of "we are all working" provided a substantial sense of a community to me. Two people may have separate jobs, totally different goals in life, but they are together on that highway and can share their experiences trying to overcome the obstacles in their way. (How many conversations are started with "what do you do" and built o...

When I was a teenager I wondered when America, like Rome, would fall. I did not think the Capitol would be ransacked in my lifetime, and I thought the attackers would be the Russians or Chinese or some foreign army. I can't express how ashamed and enraged I was that so many people were so fooled so completely and took violence to overthrow an election. Please call your senator and representative and ask them to continue to investigate and prosecute those who attacked the Capitol and those who incited and planned the attack. These were not rioters, they were seditionists and, regardless of how rich an powerful they are, they should all be fully prosecuted under the law. If we don't do it now, next time will be far worse.

About a month ago I completed my first treatment of Azedra - the nuclear medicine treatment. The first few weeks were really challenging for me because I was so radioactive that it was unsafe for others to be near me for even short periods of time and I had to isolate in our bedroom.  I found out during that time that I need hugs to hold myself together mentally. Not like "oh, this is nice" but they reassure me that I'm ok both physically and socially. I chose not to hug my wife because I was so radioactive - the last thing I wanted to do is make her sick. But my choice of not hugging my wife until my radioactivity dropped to a safer level made me feel lonely and isolated. It was only when my radioactivity dropped and I was able to get more hugs from Bessie that I felt like my Azedra treatment was complete. As I met my hug quota and was appreciating the other rooms in our house, I noticed something - I felt pretty good! To be clear, feeling "pretty good" with my...

In a week, I will get a shot of highly radioactive material in an attempt to nuke the cancer within me while I survive. The procedure will occur at the University of Penn hospital in Philly. I will be kept in a hospital room until my personal radioactive level is at a level for me to be safe on the street. (I'm actually not sure if that's a law, but it's a really good idea to keep people who are very radioactive from walking around and giving people x-rays without their permission.) I will likely spend 4-5 days in the hospital and be released on Friday. I will still be dangerously radioactive, so when I go home I will need to stay away from Bessie and other multi-cellular organisms that I value. We have a Geiger counter to help figure out what my radioactive level is and how close I can be without hurting her. It will certainly be an awkward number of days, but we could have fun with it. The most likely immediate side-effect from the radioactive shot will be nausea. While I...

I like thinking about the golden disk that was sent along with Voyager I. I loved that Carl Sagan and others thought: "How can we express all of humanity to an alien life with a record?" Given my situation, I thought it would be good for myself to make the music that I can't imagine my life happening without. I gave myself 72 minutes and it's tough to build a playlist that says everything that you want to say. (72 minutes is the length of a CD. They were how people like me bought music when you could still buy music.) So here's what I got:   The playlist is designed to be played in order. I will be futzing with it so the tracks and their order may change. As I shared this with you, I would love to hear other people's playlists. I certainly can't expect "this is my whole life" playlist, but it would mean a lot to me, especially with my upcoming incarceration, to hear what music you're listening to right now or things that you adore or whateve...

I'm at home recovering from my surgery. From all reports and the feelings I have, the surgery went well. My arm is bothering me, but I just had surgery and the pain is nominal and extremely manageable. They used liquid nitrogen to kill the cancer cells, hoovered them out, and then gave me my second bionic limb. I kinda wish I got to see it, but I would probably would have passed out watching it, especially if it was happening to me. So I'm resting and relaxing. I'm checking back in two weeks with the doctor to see how things are going. After that, I can resume treatments to try to stop the cancer in my gut.